


Not Your Fault

by rootsbeforebranches



Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Ellick, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2020-06-25 12:30:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19745821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rootsbeforebranches/pseuds/rootsbeforebranches
Summary: After Ellie and Nick were tortured, Nick feels guilty and blames himself for what happened.





	Not Your Fault

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hellokaelyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/gifts).



> I guess this fic was kinda inspired by Hellokaelyn's story ''I'm not losing you (So I'm losing myself)'' ? xD
> 
> I hope that this isn't too bad and that it makes more or less sense...?
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language.

This was what Nick had been afraid of ever since joining the team.  
Ever since developing feelings for his new NCIS family, and especially since he realized and acknowledged how deep his feelings for Ellie went, that they were different than what somebody feels for a family member or friend.  
This was why he'd been afraid of getting too close to them, in fear that his feelings for these people would eventually be used against him by people from his past. That his past would not only come back to haunt him, but also his family and friends.

And now, his worst nightmare had come true.  
The person he loved the most was being hurt because of him.

_____________________________________________________________________

As the fist collided with his stomach, he suppressed his scream as much as he could, instead letting out a pained groan through his gritted teeth that sounded through the small room.

He braced himself for the pain as Diego drove his fist into his stomach again, then hitting the right side of his face with as much force as he could muster, but Nick refused to let anything more than a groan escape his mouth, refused to show any reaction other than that, knowing that that was exactly what Diego wanted...to see and hear him suffer.

And now, after days of beating Nick, giving him countless bruises that were sure to last for weeks, it seemed like Diego had enough of Nick's lack of reaction, Nick figured as the other Latino took out a knife that had previously been concealed from view.

''Well, alright. Apparently beating you isn't gonna be enough. Let's see how you're gonna like this then,'' Diego mockingly said as he slowly dragged the blade over Nick's skin, on his bare chest, drawing blood.

Nick had to grit his teeth at the pain of the knife ripping open his skin, but one look at Ellie, who was chained opposite from him, - hands also in shackles above her head that were hanging from the ceiling- and he knew that he couldn't let her see his pain.

It was his fault in the first place that she had even been captured with him.  
If Diego hadn't observed him for months before he made his move, -which he'd told them on their first day of being captured in this dark room- hadn't seen him and Ellie together outside of work numerous times, how they'd kissed, and figured out they were in a relationship, then she would never be in this situation.

The least he could do now was to hide his pain from her, knowing that she flinched with every beat he received, just like she let out strangled sobs now as the wound on his chest grew longer and longer as it continued slicing over his skin, Diego showing now sign of stopping anytime soon.  
At least Ellie had been spared from this torture so far. Diego had only focused on him, intent on making him suffer as much as he could as payback. Nick could only hope it stayed that way, clung to that hope with all he had.

''STOP IT! STOP!''  
Diego let out a frustrated sigh at Ellie's screaming, the knife coming to a halt, but he still didn't remove it from Nick's chest.

The former gang leader turned his head to look at the blonde, took in the desperation in her eyes as she could do nothing but watch her boyfriend be tortured.

Focusing back on Nick, Diego observed the look on his face, the hate in his eyes directed at him.  
To his disappointment, Nick had yet to scream, had not yet shown the reaction he had hoped for when he started his torture.

He was about to drag the knife over another part of Nick's skin, as Ellie once again raised her voice, now filled with even more desperation, making it almost sound pleading.  
''STOP! Please!''

That's when Diego got a wicked idea.  
He let the hand holding the knife drop back to his side, at which Nick almost let out a relieved breath. Almost.  
But then he saw the evil glint in Diego's eyes, the vicious smirk on his lips, and Nick found it hard not to shudder.

Looking across at Ellie, he saw that she too was holding her breath, both not daring to breathe as they waited for what was to come next.

The former gang leader turned around, his eyes meeting Ellie's, and at the expression on his face she had to gulp, especially when he slowly strode toward her, knife still in his hand.

Daring to take her eyes off him for just a second, she glanced at Nick, saw the horror in his eyes that intensified with each step Diego took toward her, each inch that he got closer to her.

He came to a halt beside the blonde, then reached out his free hand to grab her face between his fingers so harshly it hurt.  
Ellie's eyes were fixated the man standing beside her, glaring at him as she stared right into Diego's face, eyebrows narrowed both in pain and hate at the man who hurt Nick.

He studied her face for a few moments, the look in her eyes, before he spoke to Nick without looking away from Ellie.  
''You know Nick, I have to say...I grew quite frustrated with each day that passed without once getting a satisfying reaction from you...'' he started, before finally focusing his gaze back on Nick, wanting to see his face when he said those next words, his fingers digging into Ellie's skin as he turned her face a bit to the side, despite her trying to resist the movement.  
''But maybe we'll get more of a reaction from her, don't you think?''

That's when Nick let out a low growl, his jaw clenched while his hands above his head balled tightly into fists, nails digging into the palms of his hand, but he couldn't care less about it in that moment.  
''DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HER!''

Diego just let out a laugh, before replying in a smug tone of voice.

''What are you gonna do about it, Nicky?'' he mocked, arching his eyebrow while with his head he motioned once to the shackles around his hands.

''You're chained. There's nothing you can do to stop me.''  
He let go of Ellie's face then, leaving marks where his fingers had dug into her skin, patting her on the cheek with a smirk.

''Don't worry though, I'm not gonna ruin her pretty face.''

The next thing she knew, the knife was on her skin, slowly making his way across her stomach, ripping her shirt and cutting into her skin so that blood ran out, staining her shirt around the wound red.

Ellie let out a pained wince, biting down on her lip as he set the knife down once more.

Now Nick was the one who screamed at Diego to stop, his voice hoarse due to the lack of water they'd received over the last few days.

Diego chuckled darkly, clearly very amused at Nick's screams, finding the sound in his ears very satisfying.

''Now that is more of the reaction I wanted,'' he said to Nick, his lips still lifted upwards in a sadistic smirk.

''Leave her out of this, Diego. I'm the one you want. She's got nothing to do with this!''  
Nick desperately demanded, but it simply caused the former gang leader to shake his head after a roll of his eyes.

''But without her it'd be so much less fun, dear Nicky.'' He chuckled once more, lifting the knife this time instead of dragging it over Ellie's skin, about to stab it deep into her skin, intending on making her scream in pain to make Nick suffer too.

''Don't you dare!'' Nick warned through gritted teeth.

The knife thrust down.

________________________________________________________________________________

An hour later, Diego finally left for the day, not wanting to kill either of them yet.

Nick stared at Ellie, at the wounds on her body, some deeper than others, but all red from the blood, staining her clothes.

It was like he couldn't even feel his own injuries anymore, the pain numbed, all he could think about was Ellie, that she was in chains in this room because of him, hurt because of him.  
All of this was his fault. All his fault.

He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut tightly, a tear escaping one eye, making its way down his cheek.  
He couldn't bear to see Ellie hurt, to see her suffer at the hands of this man, all because of him.

Ellie calling out his name in a soft and quiet voice made him open his eyes, but he still couldn't look her in the eye.  
Until she quietly said his name again, not willing to accept that.  
''Nick. Look at me.'' she softly demanded, and he reluctantly obliged, his dark brown eyes meeting her hazel ones.

She had a concerned look on her face, brows furrowed in worry, not oblivious to his self-blame or how much he felt guilty for all of this right at that moment.

Even in the dimly lit room, she had seen the tear, the pained expression on his face as he looked at her, and immediately knew that it wasn't because of his own wounds, but hers.  
Knew that he felt like it was all his fault.

So, after making sure he was still looking her in the eyes, she spoke.  
''It's okay, Nick.'' 

Her eyes brimming with tears convinced him otherwise though, unaware that those tears were for him, that Ellie's heart hurt at the thought of him thinking he was responsible for this happening, not because of her own pain. She needed to make him see that it wasn't his fault, that she would bear this if it meant that Diego would stop hurting Nick, as long as that meant he was not getting tortured anymore. She would gladly endure this instead of him, just like she knew he would for her.

All Nick could see and think of in that moment though was that she was trembling, knowing she was in pain from all the wounds Diego had given her with the knife everywhere but her face, so he shook his head.

''No, it's not. None of this is okay, Ellie, and it's all my-''  
He didn't get to finish his sentence, as Ellie interrupted him, in a voice stronger and more insistent than he'd thought possible in her state.

''It's not your fault!'' she said, allowing no room for talking back, and repeated it directly after to make sure he understood that she meant it. Hopefully.  
''It's not your fault, Nick.'' The tears now made its way down her face, dropping on the ground as they mixed with the small puddles of blood on the floor. It broke her heart that he was blaming himself for this situation, a situation he had no control over.  
He had only done his job years ago when he had been undercover and and managed to take down Diego and his criminal gang, had no idea of knowing that he'd break out of prison one day and plan his revenge.

Nick opened his mouth to reply, but then they heard the door being unlocked as Diego entered the room.  
''It's okay,'' Ellie whispered once more, even with the pain and fear and hopelessness in her eyes that they'd get out of this alive.  
Nick had that same fear.  
What if Gibbs and McGee wouldn't find them, or what if they were too late when they did?  
Maybe Diego will have already killed them by then, or what if Ellie bled out from her knife wounds, or what if she got an infection.

But all these what if thoughts didn't help them now.  
There was no way to escape.  
They were on their own, chained, with a man who wanted to torture them, and make them suffer.  
All they could do was endure it.

And as Diego went toward Ellie and took out the knife once more, finding hurting her a much better solution for making both of them suffer and thus having given up physically torturing Nick, Ellie's eyes locked on Nick's once more as she whispered those words to him again.  
Words that she'd repeat over and over while Diego tore apart her skin with that knife.

''It's okay.''  
________________________________________________________________________________

The rest of the team got to them just in time, thankfully.  
By the time they arrived, Ellie was so weak from the wounds and blood loss that she could barely walk, and McGee had to support her as they got out of there, Diego already taken care of, a bullet in his head, courtesy of Gibbs.

In the hospital, after their wounds had been tended to, Ellie and Nick each lay in a hospital bed, which Nick had demanded of Gibbs to be shoved closer together so that he and Ellie were closer to each other.  
Even in the small hospital room, Nick didn't want to be farther away from her than three feet after what they'd been through the last few days.

It was already late and Gibbs, McGee and the rest of their NCIS family had gone home after both of them had insisted on it, knowing they needed to sleep too after the search for them that had undoubtedly kept them from getting much sleep either.

Both Nick and Ellie were exhausted beyond imagination, not to mention very weak, since they'd only gotten enough food and water from Diego so as not to starve, but nothing beyond that.  
Yet another way of torturing them, making them suffer.

That's why even the disgusting hospital food had tasted like heaven to them after pretty much having been starved over the last few days.

But at least the pain had subsided thanks to the painkillers they were getting, now no longer that constant sharp stabbing pain but instead only a bearable twinge.

Due to the late hour, it was relatively quiet outside of their hospital room, and besides their breathing, the constant beeping of the machines attached to them to monitor their vitals was the only sound that was made.

Ellie and Nick lay on their sides, facing each other, their eyes locked.  
For several minutes, neither of them moved, both of them still trying to grasp the fact that Diego was actually dead and that they were in the hospital, that they were safe and going to be fine.

But even so, as his gaze moved over her body, taking in the visible injuries on her arms -the others on the rest of her body concealed by the hospital gown and blanket- the guilt and self-blame swept over him once more, invaded his mind as he mentally beat himself up for putting her through this.

Ellie must have known what was going through his mind, or maybe noticed the frown on his face, because she slowly reached out one hand. Nick didn't hesitate to put his hand in hers, interlacing their fingers as he managed to give her a small, barely visible smile.  
She gave him one of her own in return.

Not long after, both of them fell asleep, their hands still intertwined, even in sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________

Ellie shot up in bed panting, but then her hand immediately went to a sewn wound on her stomach that stung badly at the sharp movement, her eyes squeezed shut in pain as a small wince escaped her lips at the pain.

Once the pain faded, Ellie propped her head in her hands, not minding the sweat that was coating her forehead as well as the back of her neck as she tried to return her breathing to normal.  
The images from her nightmare were still clear in her mind.

Nick sitting up in bed too made her drop her hands from her face and turn her head to the side, looking into his concerned face.  
''Nightmare?'' he softly asked, sympathy shining in his eyes.

Ellie only nodded once, her hands clenching her blanket.  
Nick gave her an understanding little smile.  
''Yeah, me too.''

The blonde was still too shaken from her dream, -the memories of their torture- that she doubted she'd fall asleep anytime soon on her own.  
But she knew what might help.

Nick must have been able to identify the silent request in her eyes, as he got up from his bed while Ellie shifted a little to one side of the narrow bed so that there was just enough room for Nick to lie down beside her.

They both felt the need to be close to each other after they've been unable to while being held captive by Diego.  
Not able to touch each other, to comfort each other while only being a few feet apart had been a torture all by itself.

So now, with Nick's arms around her, careful of any wounds, -both his and hers, not wanting to hurt either of them- Ellie let out a content sigh, her head laying on his chest as she breathed in his scent, finding it a great comfort to finally be this close to him again.

Nick felt the exact same way.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, softly telling her they should try to go back to sleep.  
Minutes later, Ellie was asleep again, feeling safe in Nick's arms.  
Nick wasn't sure she should.  
She wasn't safe with him, or around him.  
Diego kidnapping and torturing them -her- because of him had proved that.

Despite them being sound and safe now that Diego was dead, Nick couldn't go back to sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________

Both of them knew that Nick was still overcome with guilt, and it grew with every day, despite him trying his best to hide it from Ellie, not wanting to burden her with that too. She had enough on her shoulders as it was, without him adding to it.

But secretly, in the back of his mind, he knew that she was well aware of him still blaming himself...  
She knew him better than anyone else after all.

And every time he looked at her, he was back in that room, and Diego was hurting her again.  
It haunted him more than the torture he himself had been put through by the former gang leader.  
He couldn't erase the image from his mind of her in front of him, hands in chains above her head, blood on several parts of her body except for her face.  
It was all his fault.  
All of it.

So once they had been released from the hospital and were back at home in their shared apartment, though still not allowed to work, Nick avoided her as much as possible, not being able to stand the guilt and self-blame that came crushing over him whenever he looked at her, causing him to think back to the torture they'd been through.

Nick knew that his behavior was hurting Ellie, but he just couldn't bear it.  
Keeping his distance from her as much as he could made it easier to push away his guilt...

But someday, Ellie had enough of it.  
Enough of him barely looking her in the eye anymore, him barely being in the apartment.

She had to make him understand that he wasn't to blame for what they'd been through, or she feared she was gonna lose him to his guilt eventually.

Therefore, the next night, she stayed up until he finally came home at 3 am, having been god knows where.  
''Ellie?'' he stopped dead when he saw her, obviously surprised that she was still awake.

''Sit down,'' she practically ordered him, and Nick sighed once before he complied and sat down in the chair across from her.  
It quickly became clear to Ellie where he'd been when the smell of alcohol reached her nose, and she had to cringe a little at the thought of him being in a bar, drinking.

He apparently saw the look on her face because he quickly stated that he was neither tipsy nor drunk.

Ellie wasn't entirely sure if he was saying the truth, but he'd walked in normally, no swaying, and had not been off balance or anything, so she supposed he was telling the truth.

Over the last few days, there had been a few times he'd come home drunk, -even at midday sometimes- or had been hungover in the mornings though, so she was worried that he was possibly starting to develop a drinking problem to forget and drown his guilt and might start a fight if somebody provoked him.

She'd already tried to talk to him about it, but he'd just brushed it off and said he had everything under control, that he was fine and she didn't need to worry.

But it was clear that he wasn't fine, not when he behaved the way he did.

''Nick, you need to stop this. All of it. Not just the drinking,'' Ellie insisted.

Nick cocked his head to the side slightly, biting the inside of his cheek.  
It seemed like she was done with his behavior.

''You've become so distant. You barely look at me anymore or talk to me, you're gone all day, come back in the middle of the night once I'm already asleep, you apparently drink no matter what time it is...I can't bear it any longer Nick. It hurts.'' she explained, tears in her eyes, which made Nick feel guilty now for a whole different reason.

''I know you feel like it's your fault-'' Ellie then started, but Nick didn't let her finish that sentence.

''Because it is, Ellie! It is! All of it.'' he almost screamed, his brows furrowed as he shot up from the chair, the palms of his hands smacking down hard on the table in front of him.

''It is my fault that Diego took you as well and that he tortured you. He only did it because of me! If you hadn't been with me, if he hadn't known how much you mean to me, how much I love you, then that never would've happened to you!  
I've been avoiding you because every time I look at you I remember it. I watched him torture you, watched you suffer and I was not able to do anything against it. I couldn't help you, and that killed me, Ellie. It kills me.'' There were now tears threatening to spill out of his eyes, too.  
It wasn't just self-blame and guilt that had been threatening to crush him, but also anger. He was so angry, so damn furious with himself for letting it all happen, for not having been able to stop Diego from torturing the woman he loves.  
''I can't bear it, Ellie, seeing you in pain.''

Ellie stood up slowly, taking a step around the table to stand in front of Nick as she carefully took his face in her hands, made him look her in the eye.

''I feel the same way.'' she softly admitted, her voice only a whisper.  
He wasn't the only one who couldn't take seeing the person he loved in pain, who had felt utterly helpless at not being able to do anything against it.  
Both of them now had tears streaming down their faces as they finally talked to each other about the hell they'd been through together, were still struggling to overcome.

''It's okay.'' Those words...the same ones she'd said to him over and over again in that room.  
And as a small smile appeared on her lips, Nick finally understood what she'd meant.

''You're not the one to blame for what happened, Nick. To neither of us. The only one to blame is Diego. He alone. No one else.''

Her forehead carefully pressed against his, their eyes still on each other, their lips almost touching, Nick then closed his eyes, breathed in her scent, appreciating their closeness.

''It wasn't your fault.''


End file.
